How To Grow Your Own Snowflake (for dummies)
Due to the subtle political bias of this article, it was rejected by both Nature and Science magazines, but I must admit I'm content with it being published by such a prestigious publication as The Millennial Review.
Today, we're going to learn the art of leftist-growing. I know we're straying a bit from the usual debate, but a little basic biology won't hurt anyone.
Before touching anything in the lab, we must first address this question:
What is a Snowflake?
Following its recent discovery, we have learned that the common snowflake, or leftist millennial, is a special kind of sentient organism. It is a part of the animal kingdom, but let's just say it was the last pick and those poor animals had no choice but to include it on their team. It also belongs to the human race, but the rest are not too happy about it.
As I said before, it is a sentient organism, which means that it is able to feel. In fact, that is the only thing it does. It feels. A lot.
Here's a fun fact: no matter what environment you place your leftist in, its feelings will be random and won't have any explanation. Most people feel hot when it is 90 degrees and cold when it is below zero. Leftists behave exactly the opposite way, they will feel empowered when most objectified and encourage feminism by wearing hijabs. Weird.
Why is This?
It all comes back to the philosophy journey that started with Descartes and ended with Nietzche. During that evening walk we were first told that everything before them was pure rubbish and that everything needed to be thought again. Oh well, turns out that rethinking truth meant first to establish it in very fragile grounds and then to deny causality. Later, to doubt the ability to apprehend reality as it is, and finally Nietzche ended the show with a special number that included denying objective reality in its entirety.
So, if you take your average snowflake by the antennas, like so, and ask him if something is right or wrong, its answer will be that it depends on how each person feels about it. You see, once we deny reality, we deny right or wrong and all you are left with is feelings. Or what most millennial leftists like to call it: "your truth.”
So, the boring theory part of the article is behind us and once we've learned what a snowflake is and how it behaves, here's the fun part: practice.
For the first few years, it is vital for the correct development of a leftist child to be granted everything it wishes. Always.
Turns out it is really important to constantly reinforce the concept that its feelings are the measure for everything. So, is it hungry? Does it ask for money? Does it want to be referred to as a member of the other sex?
Its feelings are the truth and it should always be treated how it demands. Period.
Once it reaches teenage-hood, the subject will realize that for some strange reason, people do not want to give it everything it desires.
Here, we must to start phase two of our method, that is, convince it that everything is other people's fault. It should always be aware of its victim status and that everyone else is oppressing it. So, you want it to grow resentment against anyone with a different point of view, to convince them that different points of view are either bigoted, xenophobic, racist, or transphobic…
It should always be told that use of force against anyone is never justifiable, unless you can somehow fit them in these categories. They are holding our snowflake down after all.
As the last step, it is important to encourage your snowflake to take up university courses related to identity politics, such as Women’s Studies or Ethnic Studies. Why? Because these useless courses will leave it without a good job, so it can continue blaming everyone else for its misfortunes.
Everyone but the dummy that thought it would be fun to grow a snowflake.
Want to grow someone that's not a snowflake?
Be sure to give them enough vitamin N.
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About the author:
Francisco Rodríguez is a spanish student with a passion for politics. He currently studies Software Engineering in UPM (Madrid). Self-identified as a conservatarian, a mix of conservative and libertarian, is considered an oddity in the very authoritarian spanish political landscape.